Depression is hard

Most of my friends would probably be surprised to know that I get depressed often. Sometimes it gets very bad. Some days are definitely harder than others. Other days are easier. Other days aren't so bad. But those hard days are tough. Those days where I don't want to get out of bed. Those days where I don't want to be around people. Those days where I don't want to talk to anyone. Those days where I don't think anyone believes in me. Those days where I definitely don't believe in myself. Those days where I don't think anyone cares about me. Those days where I think that no one would miss me if I was gone (not dead, just not here). Days can be bad, sometimes nights are worse. It's worse in the winter, that's for sure. When it's cold outside there's nothing more I want to do than be inside, and often that means being alone. Sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I feel so alone at work. Sometimes I feel so alone when I'm around other people. Sometimes I get down and can't get myself back up. I think about regrets in my life. I think about things I would've done differently if I could redo them. I tell myself that my best years have passed me by and I think, 'What did I do with my youth?' The answer is usually, 'Not enough.' Sometimes I think about how unfilling my life has been to this point. I think, 'What have I amounted to?' the answer, 'I really don't know.' I think I've done some good, but I know I could've done more. I think about things I've done, 'Maybe I've already reached my peak in life,' I say to myself. It's hard.

Monday musings

My Monday thoughts.

• Mondays suck!
• When should you give up on something? I hold onto things way too long, I just can't seem to move on, or I don't know how. I can't get over things.
• Mondays suck!

Various questions and thoughts

I've got some various questions and thoughts for today.

• When should you give up on your dreams? Is there an age when you should give up on your dreams? 20? 30? Or is there a time-frame? Five years? 10 years?
• There is no greater feeling in life than helping people.
• What should you do when you don't know what to do with the rest of your life?
• What do you do when you feel like you have already reached your peak in life?

I used to love sports

I used to love sports. I used to love to watch them, to read about them and to play them (although I really wasn't very good at much). It only made sense, then, that I went into sportswriting. But what I didn't realize when I got into it that sportswriting would drain my love of sports. Of course at first it was great, going to games and writing about them, but after a while it became like anything else...a job. It no longer was fun. It lost it's appeal to me. That became especially true once I got my dream job. Sports just weren't fun anymore. It took me a little a while that the sports and sportswriting (now this is just me specifically this doesn't hold true to all sports writers) were just my way of hanging onto my youth. I have such a hard time letting go of things in my life and this way definitely one of them. In fact I still have trouble with it. But there are some times when things are clear and I realize what's important in life -- enjoying yourself, being happy, loving, friends and family.

Friday thoughts

I went to my little cousin's (fourth grade) basketball game last weekend, it was great. That's how sports ought to be played - everyone running up and down as fast as they can and having a good time.

Quote of the day: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

Thursday thoughts

Here are some of my random thoughts on this day.

• Speak up. No one knows how you feel, or what you are thinking, unless you tell them.
• Don't worry about what other people say about you.
• If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all.
• Take up for yourself, and take up for those who can't take up for themselves.
• Don't give hate life.
• Take time for yourself in life.
• Make good first impressions.
• It's not about what you know, it's who you know, so get to know a lot of people and don't burn any bridges.
• Don't expect things in life to be given to you, you have to earn them.
• Laugh, cry and love every day.

Tee ball stinks

I don’t remember much about playing Tee Ball. I remember one time running home from third base as fast as I could when suddenly the ball hit my foot.
“He’s out,” the ump yelled.
I didn’t care much for the game, though, according to stories I’ve heard. It seems that I was more interested in playing (with my Matchbox cars) in the outfield, than actually playing the outfield. I guess I was bored out there because I didn’t see much action.

The Phillies lose

The Phillies, my Phillies (I adopted every team from the City of Brotherly Love in 1983) had just made the final out of the World Series. As I looked down at the baseball cards from both the Phillies and those bastards, the Baltimore Orioles, they were arranged from top to bottom by batting order. I reached down for the card of Rick Dempsey, the Philly killer himself, and I ripped up his baseball card into tiny pieces. It didn’t matter that I had almost a complete set of 1983 Topps cards – my devotion to my favorite team outweighed the possible collective value. There are some things you just can’t put a price on.

N.C. State wins!

“Whittenburg, oh it’s a long way…”
“They won it! On the dunk!”
I run through our house off Bardstown Road yelling and screaming, celebrating NC State’s shocker over heavily-favored Houston in the NCAA championship game. My love of underdogs has begun! It’s one I’ll both enjoy as a fan and embody myself for the rest of my life. I don’t care what it does to my NCAA bracket – give me an upset any day of the tourney, especially in the final.

I hit a home run...and had an error

I pretend that the pitcher calls the girl who I have loved since the first grade (Sherry) a bad name. As his offering comes I bring my bat forward as hard as I can and close my eyes just as the ball arrives. Ping! I feel the force of my bat against the ball and hear the sharp sound of the aluminum. Frozen for a split-second I open my eyes and see the ball heading deep into the outfield.
“Two! Two!” the first-base coach shouts at me as I round the base, but I’ve got other ideas on my mind – a home run!
I round first, then second, with no intention of stopping. I look ahead to third and see the third baseman jump as the ball sails over his head. I round third and head home. As my foot touches the plate the ball rolls past the catcher.
“I hit a home run! I hit a home run!” I squeal, even though it probably was a double with two throwing errors in the official rulebook. I slap my teammates hi-fives as I run into the dugout. When mom and I get home I race in to tell my dad, who I guess had to work that Saturday afternoon, that I had hit a home run. I tell him, excitedly, and wait for his response.
“But did you make any errors?” he asks.
Of course I had. Suddenly, my home run didn’t feel so great.

I'm good...at NERF basketball!

I’m down big in a game of NERF basketball to my best friend, Adam, so I decide to do what I saw Jim Valvano’s NC State Wolfpack do that spring on its way to the national title, I foul him and send him to the free throw line. Just like it did for Derek Whittenburg, Lorenzo Charles & Co., it works for me too. Adam missed a lot of front-end chances and I make him pay and I make shots. I take the lead and when he tries the same tactic it backfires. I make my free throws and win the game. It’s great validation for me – I recount the game for our friends at the lunch table the following week – because Adam is one of the team’s best players while I am a little-used reserve.